


sensitivity

by quentintarrantino



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Vampire Turning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2020-05-19 09:23:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19354117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quentintarrantino/pseuds/quentintarrantino
Summary: everyone comes home, eventually





	sensitivity

**Author's Note:**

> welcome to 2009 twilight is cool

She doesn’t have any choice in the matter when it’s all said and done. Something swerves out into the road when she’s driving and then the world is spinning. The truck rolls once, twice, three times, she feels her scalp open and bleed from the windshield glass. The air is hot and she’s unnaturally sprawled and so, so tired. They’ll tell her when she wakes up that it wasn’t them who did it but she never really knows. 

\--

The pain of bodily injury is nothing compared to the internal fire of the change. She had promised herself for Edward’s benefit she wouldn’t scream but that thought is far away and rapidly disappearing on the horizon. She screams louder than she’s ever screamed before and as her blood blazes she feels more than just her body shifting. 

If you don’t hold onto your memories of your mortal life, you’ll lose them. Rosalie had insisted she go over them again and again but the past is dark and dingy in the back of her mind. She sees everything as if watching an old movie, the emotions they evoke are not hers. The faces and names are all the same but she is different, always feeling everything and nothing all at once. The careful plans that had been laid out were for naught.

\--

Everything is rapid, the fear, the rage. She hunts and the animal blood makes her stomach roll, they are meant for greater prey. Carlisle goes with her for the first time, unabashed at her nakedness when the maddening hypersensation of her clothes grows to be too much and in a fit she rips them apart during the hunt. He has done this all before, he assures her, the change is hard on everyone but he knows she’ll be feeling more like herself with time. She sees her reflection in the water of the stream they stop at, hair matted and her face bloody. 

What does that mean, to feel more like herself? 

“Only you can answer that Bella.” he hums patiently, guiding her back to the downed stag so she can sate her thirst. 

\--

Edward doesn’t touch her, he won’t until she asks but now in this new life she wonders if she ever will. The things he had wanted for her and his ideals for their continued existence seem childish on the other side. The person he yearns for most is dead, he buries her in an empty coffin while Charlie weeps and the others all move to comfort him. 

She heard the funeral was beautiful but she thought it best not to watch, the mere thought of all those hearts beating together was enough to drive her mad. Besides these people mean nothing to her now, every day they slip a little more into the haze, like childhood dreams. 

\--

In the early days it’s mostly Jasper and Carlisle that handle her. It upsets Esme to see the sweet girl she loved so much in such a state, she feels it roll off her in waves when quiet moments in the home are disrupted by her fits of rage or hunger. Rosalie and Alice, unsure of how to address her now that she’s shed her old skin, both unstable on new legs and self assured in the freedom of a fresh start. 

She’s stronger now, completely encased within herself. Edward can’t read her thoughts, Alice can’t see her future, Jasper can’t manipulate her moods. Carlisle is impressed by her gift but when they sit together in the library he shares his worry that this will hinder them in the journey to civilize her. 

She isn’t sure that she wants to be civilized. 

\--

The others leave the house freely, going to and from town. She wanders the property aimlessly, a ghost unsure of her position in the new world. Alice will flit down to sit in the grass and talk to her sometimes, only about what’s ahead and never the past. To her she must look like a savage, blood under her fingernails and hair always unkempt. “When will we leave this place?” Bella asks her one day when the sun is high and they are both shining. It’s been months since she woke and now it’s easier to stay still long enough for Alice to comb her hair. The feeling is pleasant. 

Alice’s hesitation is only a fraction of a second but to them it may as well have been hours. “Do you want to leave?”  _ Bella would never have left Forks.  _ The unsaid words make her teeth grind together.

“There are other places that are safe. New things to see.” her mind is a bottomless ocean, something she has now started to work to fill. Before the idea of self control seemed pointless and unattainable but without self control she can’t venture out into the mortal realm to learn or see. Carlisle’s eyes warm when she sheepishly appears in his study one night and asks for him to teach her to resist the pull. He believes so much in the creature that she will become, not the being that she was, and Bella appreciates that. 

\--

Jasper is the one she knew the least when she was alive, maybe that’s why it’s easiest for him to speak to her as she is now. “How do you feel?” he asks her suddenly when he’s out shepherding the day’s hunt, always mindful of the distance between them lest she snarl and turn on him instead of her kill. 

“Alone.” she replies, licking thick beads of blood off her chin and turning to look at him over her shoulder from where she crouches. He sets his jaw thoughtfully at the response.

\--

They had told her that mishaps are unavoidable sometimes, but that they would try as hard as they could to ensure temptation wasn’t readily available. Alice can’t see her anymore so it’s harder than anticipated. Maybe they thought her incapable. Bella Swan had been horrified at the idea of harming people. 

It’s Rosalie who comes to her when they realize what she’s done, she waits beyond the trees for her to finish and start the slow trudge back. They don’t speak on the way home, she knows it’s because Rosalie is holding her breath and afraid of what might happen if she dares inhale.  _ Carlisle will fix it, _ Esme’s voice carries over the trees but they are all sequestered away. Only Edward is at the house when they return, eyes full of melancholy at the sight. “I’m sorry Bella.” he murmurs, as if this was something he had forced upon her. She sucks on her bottom lip, savoring the taste. 

Rosalie will wait until after she’s taken a shower and all the blood is down the drain, combing through her hair as they sit placidly on the bed. She stares at herself in the reflection of Rose’s mirror, her eyes had only just begun to dull and now they are a brighter red than before. Jasper will appear in the doorway, head cocked as he stares at the pair of them. 

“Is everyone upset with me?” she asks him, feeling small and ashamed at the silence. 

She had recognized the faces when she had heard their hearts beating, unprotected and full of life. They had been people she had known, before. They had seen her face before she struck and they had been afraid, but she had not cared. She would do it again if she could. 

“They forget what you are.” he tells her later when Rosalie has left because they both know these words will upset her. 

Carlisle is the only one who doesn’t seem perturbed. “Growing pains, Bella. That is all.” she has grown to find his hunched figure in the study a comfort, a guiding presence. After her eyes have faded from crimson back to a dull burgundy it is decided that moving would be in everyone’s best interest. 

\--

Emmett stays with her as they prepare, accompanying her on hunts. Her strength has diminished some over time, and with it so has some of the unpleasant side effects of adjusting to this new state of being. “It’s been a weird year huh?” he’ll say after a period of quiet. 

Bella’s laughter is unexpected, most of all by her, but it’s genuine. “Super weird.” Emmett’s smile is wide. 

\--

It gets easier. 

\--

Edward leaves before they move, but before he will clutch at her hands and plead for her to join him so they can forge ahead together. 

“I’m not her.” she tells him instead and the truth of it sets her free. The distant blurry memories of the two of them together shift and ebb like a beach at high tide. He will always love her for what she can no longer be. 

In the early dawn hours she’ll sift through what she carried with her into the next life, wondering at the emptiness. Their kisses and touches nothing but blind fumbling, sensations and need from her dull human heart that has since withered and died. Born alone, she turns her eyes to the stars and watches the sun rise.

\--

Esme teaches her to become human again, of all the new skills that must be learned this is the most frustrating. Remembering to breathe obnoxiously loud, to shift and pepper your being with unnecessary fidgeting. Alice gives her contacts that burn so the last flecks of red don’t draw attention. She will look at herself with her old eyes and wonder at how weak and frail she had been back then, how nothing can touch her now if she does not will it. 

“Sometimes it’s hard to remember how you were before.” Esme whispers with her sweet melancholy smile. “It suits you.” 

Jasper will hum in agreement somewhere else in the house and only she will hear it. 

\--

As she grows older and the immediate needs begin to become more manageable, she finds other things occupying those spaces. Wants. Something unnameable because to speak it aloud would be to make delicate tears in the fabric of her new family. Of course she’s so consumed in these new and complex emotions she fails to recognize the others slowly catching on.

Alice grows more subdued, absorbed in a series of nonsensical tasks one knows better than to ask about. With Alice it’s only obvious at the last minute what the intent of the labor was - as by then it’s all fallen into place and she’s usually long gone. She’s gotten too good at slipping away.

Rosalie becomes more angry. A tentative peace had been reached with her new accidental entrance into immortality, Rose had been as welcoming as she could be. Now she is regarded once more as a hostile intruder, the mismatched jigsaw piece that only serves to destroy the already carefully laid parts and create more questions. 

Carlisle seems to know that whatever is in motion is not a deliberate action. Still he seems strained when she comes to him during the warm summer afternoons. He is less open, studying her as if he’s asking himself how to deal with this dangerous new addition. She comes around less and less, leaving him to his endless work.

Above all other Jasper’s behavior changes the most. Their easy conversations cease and he looks sullen and tired all the time as Alice does her best to ignore them both. Her new body with it’s new wants craves the old familiarity, the comfort that came from their synced rhythms. Before the sun rise when he darts out to hunt she’ll corner him and use the last of her newborn strength to clasp their hands together. It burns like she’s alive again and if her heart could beat it would be racing. “What’s happening?” she pleads because he’s the only one who doesn’t lie. 

He can’t outrun her, so his shoulders slump and he exhales breath he doesn’t need instead. “She can’t see me anymore.” he mumbles in that honey-sweet drawl. 

When she slides back into the house Alice is already gone. 

\--

She finds that a life with no end is harder to measure. 

There are no prearranged periods, no physical aging to herald in the next chapter, only perforated lines that can tear if tugged on too hard. Alice’s departure is the first of many uneven edges. The house is quieter now, she can’t help but feel that the blame is on her though she doesn’t know what she could have done to avoid this outcome. 

“Everyone comes home eventually Bella.” Esme soothes, but there is uncertainty in her voice. She wonders if they regret her yet, if the price of her immortality was too high. 

In her old worn memories Edward had told her once that there was always something lost in the transition, but he never warned that the losses could be suffered by others in her stead. 

\--

The first touch is like fire. 

None of them sleep but there are times when it seems they do. She finds him on the edge of his bed, staring steadily out the window. He doesn’t acknowledge her until she’s standing next to him, both facing the thin layer of glass between them and the trees. 

His hand slips to hers, sure and strong. 

Her thumb traces over raised skin, the innumerable scars. 

In the darkness it’s the most intimate thing she’s ever felt, living or dead. Her bones ache for them to be so much closer than they are now. She knows now why all these things have come to pass, and how it has to be this way because now that she knows she will not let him go. 

The others exhale slow, unsteady in the revelation. Jasper presses his lips to her knuckles and she feels something bloom deep within, not yet fully realized but solid as stone. 

\--

Everyone comes home, eventually.

Edward slinks back when they’re gone hunting. College starts in three weeks and the leaves on the trees are beginning to turn in their new home, miles away from Forks and whatever past she had there. Her eyes are molten gold and after months of exhausting rehearsal Carlisle has deemed her controlled enough to enter society again. 

“It’s true.” his voice is flat, brow furrowed. There’s an accusation in the tone but she isn’t sure what there is to apologize for. 

Jasper stands beside her, always close enough that she can reach for him. His chin inclines in greeting but he offers no welcoming words. The dynamic of the family had shifted and adjusted to accommodate his absence but there was no recourse for a return. 

Thankfully the others come rushing when they realize what’s happening and in the joyous reunion she finds space to slip away. Back to the woods, somewhere to sit alone where she doesn’t have to feel suspiciously absent of guilt. Jasper catches her wrist before she darts away, as though he longs to go with her but understands that his presence would not serve the proper purpose. 

He lets her go and she loves him for it. 

\--

It’s a curious reality, a pride of lions freely wandering among a flock of lambs. She is painfully aware of every heart beating as they pass by on their way to classes. She locks her jaw but it doesn’t really help, even now without a word uttered she could lead them off to the slaughter and they wouldn’t even know what had happened until it was too late. 

Carlisle has been working with her, bags of donated blood poked open and left to ooze into the mud. His hands poised over her shoulders, prepared to stop her should she attempt to sate the ever present thirst. 

“Resisting these urges is what keeps us in touch with our humanity.” he reminds in his eternal patience. 

She curses that she no longer has the strength of youth on her side, unable to shake him off as he forces her to the ground time and time again. Her fingernails scrape long gashes into the grass, desperate for even a drop. 

Edward sits for these lessons, his attitude turning hostile since the return. Like a bitter child who was denied a favorite toy he watches her try to wiggle free to drink, disapproval drawn long on his features. “She’s not ready.” he advises.

After many tries she pushes the lust down, Rosalie will give her an approving nod from the kitchen window. 

\--

Her first day she dares not inhale. To make a mistake in this place would be something she would not allow herself. 

As she steps out of the car and looks out over the sea of eager flushed faces she thinks of Carlisle. Each of them before her had endured this trial and she would do the same. 

Rosalie stands to her left, arm looped in with hers. She was the one who had murmured to her not to breathe when they left the house, that the first few days it would be hard enough to hear their hearts beating. To smell the scents would be unnecessary torture. There is no room for division in times like these, a united front is the only option. They all cluster around her, as though they can shield her from the brunt of the unpleasantness. 

Her eyes catch those of a young man staring at them as they move. How easy it could be to lure him away and have him offer himself to her in his entirety. She opens her mouth to taste the air and Jasper’s hands tug her free of Rose so that she is tucked against him. He cannot influence her moods in any way but his presence is still a comfort.

Amidst the curious stares they head inside together and she keeps her chest still until the car pulls into their driveway at sunset. Carlisle and Esme beam from the porch as she drops her bag and runs to the forest to sate her thirst before the day begins again and she is tested once more.

\--

Edward will corner her one day, their faces inches apart as though he means to kiss her. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this.” 

She is not unaffected by his pain, as the years drag on she finds her empathy returning in fragments. “This was the only way it could’ve been.” 

It will be decades before they come together as friends. She can wait, she has all the time in the world.


End file.
